No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!