My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I wish I could veto my bills.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale