I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
liiiiiiiiike
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Not😆🤣