Is anyone gonna tell them?
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Well, this certainly took a turn
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Meow
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.