Always
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
this FaceApp is creepy af
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.