Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
😍😂🥰😂😍
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.