Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Customize Your Wedding.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
*3.5 thank you very much.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA