You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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hey, alexa
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
IT’S-A ME,