[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over