Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
You Might Also Like
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
This is the one
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad