i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You Might Also Like
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Doggies just call it style.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope