I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me irl
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life