Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
This rocks
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
can’t believe I got front row seats
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke