Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him