Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing