*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex