Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
You Might Also Like
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.