NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Labreador
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.