My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.