Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Feels
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
yes… yes…
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE