i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.