[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed