There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.