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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition