His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…