Best seat on the street 😍
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Shower sex be like:
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)