Cats are still liquid.
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
mom gave me mine for free
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist