Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
You Might Also Like
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Straight people are cancelled
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
my name if I was in the mob
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread