[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.