Not all heroes wear capes.
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
somebody come look at this
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is