*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!