Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
You Might Also Like
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”