please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
You Might Also Like
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?