Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.