Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.