I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.