*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
starting a garage orchestra
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably