Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.