Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.