Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Happy Star Wars day!
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*