Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I gave up going to work for lent.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
LOL
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.