Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Sniffing the broccoli
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
called in thicc to work this morning
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.