CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You Might Also Like
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
🔦🌙👣
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.