Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
A classic…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*gets down on one knee*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.