Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
You Might Also Like
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.