I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…