“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Breaking news:
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Pretty much. 🤣
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!