One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Lol
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Bike for sale
Perfect
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha