I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.