I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
This makes total sense…
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
R.I.P.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Only Americans understand
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“I wouldn’t.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before